We
can't go any further until I orient you to the language of Kansas.
I never thought it was odd or unique in any way until I moved to
the East Coast and wondered why they all talked so weird. They
were kind enough to inform me that they are not the ones who talk
funny. I am.
So to help those of you who are not from
Kansas decipher some of what I say, I offer this handy reference
guide. You may want to tear it out and keep it handy.
'Em. (Rhymes with
"hem.") Them. We have to start with this one because it
demonstrates a crucial step toward gaining a deeper understanding
of the Kansas way of talking. Kansans are very busy people. Any
unnecessary letters or sounds are eliminated whenever possible.
Usage: "I gotta finish 'em hay bales 'fore it rains."
Critters. Pretty much baby
anythings. Usage: "That ole hen hatched her chicks last
night. 'Em little critters sure are cute."
Plum. Completely, totally. Usage:
"One of 'em hogs broke a board in the fence and next thing I
know they're all plum gone."
Bellerin'. Shouting, but with more
feeling, more oomph. "Shouting" merely implies a raised
voice. "Bellerin' " conveys an emotion, tells a story.
Usage: "Ole Jake Krehbiel was out there early this mornin'
bellerin' for his coon dog again."
That leads us nicely into:
Mornin'. An AM greeting. Drop that
last "g." You don't need it. Usage: "Mornin'!"
Tarnation. A descriptive word,
usually placed in the center of a question. Usage: "What in
tarnation did you do to the car, woman?" (Kansas women are
not known for being shrinking violets, so the standard response
can't be printed here.) Used alternately with "thunderation."
Goat smeller. The nose. I don't
know, nor do I care to, the origin of this one. Usage: "I
oughta punch you right in the goat smeller." Also can be used
dismissively, similar to telling someone to go jump in the lake.
"Oh, go hang it in your goat smeller."
Git. Get, only said with more
force, as one sharp syllable. Usage: "Now you git on outta
here!" Try saying that aloud, then say, "Get on out of
here." Hear the difference? It's also a highly effective part
of the oft-used exclamation, "Twister, Ma! Git the
kids!"
Meats. A word used to call the
barn cats to dinner. And no, I don't know why. Usage: "Meats,
kitty kitty! Meats!"
Gussied up. A two-word adjective.
It generally means showered and wearing Sunday clothes. Usage:
"Well, well. Lookit you, all gussied up."
Lookit. Look at. Usage: See
"Gussied up."
Burnemsuckers. Well done. A
request made to the waitress at the local greasy spoon. Usage:
"Gimme the hash browns and tell the cook to burnemsuckers."
'Ere. A very versatile word. It
means "here," but it also can mean "there."
Conveniently, the "t" and the "h" are not
needed in either word. Usage: "Git in 'ere!" or
"Put that over 'ere."
Purt near. Close, almost. Usage:
"We're purt near Topeka by now."
Before we wrap this up, there is one
thing that's critically important to remember when talking to a
Kansas person. We do not, nor have we ever, nor WILL we ever, use
the word "ya'll." I mean, what in tarnation do you think
we are? Hicks?
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