Remember
Robert Fulghum's book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in
Kindergarten"? Great book, but I give the concept a big
razzberry. The only thing I learned in kindergarten was that
crayons don't taste as good as they smell, and I probably would
have figured that out by college anyway.
I have learned quite a bit since
kindergarten, though.
In the second grade, I learned I was the
only kid at Roosevelt Elementary who couldn't make that
hand-in-the-armpit noise. I still can't. I don't even want to
think about how many times that has impeded my progress in life.
I'm just glad it never seems to come up on job interviews.
In junior high I learned that parents are
not legally bound to purchase their children a
"Congratulations on Getting Your Learner's Permit"
convertible Porsche. I thought I read that in the fine print of
the driving handbook, but apparently I was mistaken.
Also in junior high, I learned the guy I
was hopelessly, madly, write-a-poem-and-send-it-to-Teen-magazine
in love with liked my best friend. I could have gone my whole life
without that knowledge. I don't know what's become of either of
them, but just between us
I hope they're not still together.
And then high school. I loved high
school, but I didn't learn anything because I already knew
everything. Hey, I had a cute boyfriend with a cool car. I had a
stonewashed denim jacket and big hair. I was president of the
Drama Club. I was president of the Spanish Club. My social life
was great. What else could one girl need? Oh sure, I bombed at
drill team tryouts, but I'm pretty sure it was rigged.
And then I got to college and found out I
didn't know diddly squat. About anything. I didn't even know how
to do laundry. It was a magic moment for me when a friend saw me
struggling with the machine and told me you have to put the
quarters in the slot. You don't just throw them in with the
clothes and the soap.
But the biggies I've learned just
recently. For starters, I just realized I'm not a teenager
anymore. It occurred to me the other day that I'm no longer too
young for anything. I'm old enough to drive, smoke, drink, vote,
and get into R movies without my parents. The only thing I'm not
old enough for is retirement, and if I was a professional athlete
I'd even be old enough for that. It was the single most depressing
thought I've ever had.
To take my mind off it, I turned on the
radio and heard a Wham! song.
On the oldies station.
Ow.
Not long after that I found a gray hair,
so I went out and bought a box of hair color, but I grabbed
burgundy instead of brunette and now my hair is a striking
eggplant hue. The lesson there? Apparently my eyesight's starting
to go.
So Robert Fulghum can just keep his
theory about everything he learned in kindergarten. When I think
about everything I've learned since kindergarten ... well, it kind
of makes me want to go eat crayons.
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